When they say 祸不单行, I really suppose it is true.
Just heard that my grandma passed away today... and my dad rushed back to Indonesia this morning - my mum would probably follow in a few hours time. Yes, I'm a bit shell-shocked... but it was to be expected, she already lived to a ripe old age of nearing 90, already seen three great-grandchildren, seen her fourteen sons and daughters all make good livings for themselves amongst other accomplishments.

I remember when my grandfather passed away and we all flew back to Indonesia. That time I was really still very young, and didn't know a hoot about death and funerals. Then my grandfather died in China, they say he slipped in the bathroom of the hotel while there to seek some medical treatment. The kind/unkind thing was that my grandma's health wasn't that good as well, so they tried to hide the news for a few weeks - which they managed to do. I must imagine the torture that put my entire extended family through, keeping up a face that everything is fine, and lying to my grandma every time she enquired about her husband, while all at the same time grieving for the loss of a loved one. They said I was one of their most favored grandchildren - but sadly in my mind at that time, I remembered my granddad as a tyrannical old man who always denied me whatever I wanted and was very strict with me. Of course now I know otherwise.

And in Indonesia the family thing is really a lot closer together than anyone can ever be in Singapore. Every Saturday without fail the entire extended family would come together for a pot-luck, catch up session in my grandma's house. I remember it used to be very very crowded when my grandpa was around - we would even play soccer in the (not so small) porch and squish leeches and do all sorts of funny things as our older cousins and uncles watched/joined in. I remember how we would all excitedly go to the shops to buy fried chicken/all sorts of food there. And when the food vendors with pushcarts announced their presence with those old school bells how excited we would be. So when my grandpa passed away I didn't understand what they were all so sad about, even my older cousins who weren't that much older then cried like there's no tommorow. But I remembered my grandma's reaction when she found out... first it was disbelief, then when the shock set in well she cried for quite a bit. On the day of the funeral my family sat on her old car (its really old like a 1980s Toyota but very well maintained still) and I saw how her strong facade broke down completely when we arrived at the wake.

So now my grandma has just passed away. Sadly I don't think I will be able to go to her funeral... because of uni life? I suppose if term break came a week later I would be able to, but who can predict such things?

That brings about an acrimonious end to this week. And now adding this to my dad's plate, I really feel for him.

When they told me the news of course I had an impassive poker face. What else would you have me do? I have probably lost all such outward displays of emotion - the price a guy has to pay to grow up? Somehow I've forgotten that I'm only 19.

The good, the bad, and the very bad.

Have been getting up on the wrong side of bed for a few days -.- Like literally. I woke, sat up and hit my head against the wall. Ouch. That's a bad thing, really.

Didn't end up going for paparazzi although I am supposed to be the performing arts manager, I'm so sorry about that. Heard it was good, which is of course, good.

Haven't checked my blogstats in a very long time, so I don't know if people still read this blog anymore.

I am feeling very tired and sleepy despite having quite a bit of sleep last night, but I still have to study anyway. In the midst of reading a very comprehensive reading which covers essentially everything regarding the challenges to modern journalism.

Which is a good thing.

I still have a few days to study for Hao Xiaoming's term exam on Thursday, and since it mostly comes from one book and is quite commonsensical, that's a good thing as well.

Didn't jam this week because some people are tired and some are working. That's not too good, but I can accept it.

Knocked my head against the bus door when I got off the bus today, that's not a good thing.

Starbucks ran out of lollipops. Again. That's not a good thing.

I have two unread issues of TIME waiting for my attention; that's not a good thing.

The fucked up client still hasn't transferred the payment into my account. That's a bad thing.

There is a 203 Quiz comprising MCQ questions which everyone seems so scared of. It's MCQ. And it's 203. Which is a good thing, really.

Completed la portfolio de Espanol due on Monday, which is of course always a good thing.

Other than that, please don't read too much into what I say or what I type.

Cause none of it is good news.

Stand By Me

Made a meal and threw it up on Sunday I've -
Gotta lot of things to learn
Said I would and I'll be leaving one day -
Before my heart starts to burn

(Bridge)
So what's the matter with you?
Sing me something new... don't you know
The cold and wind and rain don't know
They only seem to come and go away

Times are hard when things have got no meaning
I've found a key upon the floor
Maybe you and I will not believe in the things we find
Behind the door

(Chorus)
Stand by me - nobody knows the way it's gonna be
Stand by me - nobody knows the way it's gonna be
Stand by me - nobody knows the way it's gonna be

If you're leaving will you take me with you
I'm tired of talking on my phone
There is one thing I can never give you
My heart can never be your home

very tired

Managed to pull a leg muscle while asleep. Don't ask me how, I want to know that too. That just added to my tired-ness, I NEED SLEEP! AH. But at the same time I need to study too, especially with a term exam and a quiz coming up next week, with me also having to catch up with accounting especially the later topics... And there's still marketing presentation, marketing project, COM203 project, etc etc. Not to mention CI Club's stuff and the obligation that we have to go for their events.

I'm really sorry I have ZERO interest in theater, drama and performance... But somehow we are all supposed to go for Paparrazi. I know many people are complaining about it. I heard the performance is bad, and those involved in "helping" complain of the lack of direction shown by those in charge. Both combines to make me very wary of actually going for and actually enjoying the performace. I know I am the performing arts manager, but I really really don't enjoy theater. So I really think I wasted $18 dollars.

Also been spending too much money, although I have NO IDEA what I spent on. Keep drawing and drawing and drawing. Haven't collected all the money from Jin's present yet... Somehow it always escapes me as to who has already paid me and who hasn't, at the end of the day I'm getting more broke. As such I have to scrap my plans to get a new amp, and a new stratocaster. Then there is DND, which as main comm member I am supposed to go. Like really, yes I know $30 is cheap for DND, especially at MOS. Some people are using the excuse that it is Ladies' Night so there is no sense paying to go in, but whatever lah yah. I just don't feel like the DND mood this early in the year.

Travelling still takes a toll on me. How fun is having to wait for 30+ minutes just to board a bus that is willing to open it's front doors? Ok I just want to complain. And I had received news that Main Comm doesn't mean will get hall next sem, which makes me want to strangle people, etc...

I have many things on my mind, and I guess it's showing, haha. I say "HAHA" a lot but smiling involves moving so many muscles I'm too tired to do so more often than not. So I want to sleep. Not going to jam this week anymore, which adds to the boredom surrounding my weekend in addition to paparrazi. I'm not even sure if my friends are going! I want to smash someone's head. I just feel like I need to let things out.

In other news, my mum just bought a 32" Sony LCD TV, for like $1.3k. It's not very big as compared to some of the current sets but it's really weird. My laptop costs $2.5k but it's like one eighth the size of the TV. And honestly I'm not much of a TV watcher. Honestly, I'd rather the $1.3k be spent on like, a cabinet amp. Haha. Ok $1.3k is not enough probably.

Actually, I am "studying" at Great World City Starbucks. And as usual things aren't going right, they ran out of lollipops, Wireless@SG can go screw themselves with super lousy and un-connectable network (since last week), I am sleepy despite drinking grande Cafe Mocha, and a fucking caucasian brat is making a lot of noise that manages to find its way into my ears despite headphones blasting Dir En Grey songs. Like fuck, kiddo, you are really tempting me to take the chair I am sitting on and smashing it over your head. Then I'd grab you by your stupid collar and toss you DOWNSTAIRS. Just so you'd shut up and recognise that no-one around here is deaf.

Then when I got home, oh "Please go down to Ikea, buy meatballs and other stuff. Thanks." With wrong bus directions to boot. Didn't know where to get down, ended up getting down one extra stop. Had to walk (with a strained right leg) one whole bus stop to Ikea, where I walked round and round trying to find meatballs in the Ikea store (it's not inside, I finally realised when I looked at the directory). Nonetheless I saw pretty interesting stuff in Ikea, like next time when I stay hall I'm going to ask for a 'hall grant' to buy some storage stuffs from there, haha.

We belong to different worlds
so should I just let it go?

a little advertisement

what you'd do when you are bored

What a long lecture can do to your brain.

I snapped another high E string today - drats. This time though I'm just replacing the one string so it just cost me a dollar... but i'll have to play less agressively lest my strings snap on stage... Anyhow jamming was pretty great, at least for a first jam session - we more or less nailed the original, with a lot a lot of impromptu parts and a long long impromptu dual guitar solo at the end... doesn't sound as commercial as say, the mainstream bands, neither do we sound like the oldies rock sound - guess we really sound indie! Okay another jam next week playing the same songs. And we also need a good vocalist who can hold his tune and reach a rather high note.

Decided not to go mugging today, because I was quite tired already haha. And when I passed Coffee Bean I saw that it's free wireless was Starhub, which I don't subscribe to. So I decided, well I'm tired, and I have to study alone, might as well go home...

OK I suppose I am getting used to uni life by the day - but I repeat again, not used to the travelling. Somehow or rather I'm in the main committee for CI Club, as Performing Arts Manager, who will be incharge of calling bands down, getting the equipment etc. So take note! I) All bands who want to showcase your talent, you should know my number already, if you don't drop me an e-mail or leave your email in my tagboard. II)I'll need sub-comm members and there's really not a limit to how many I can have - aiming for about 5 people to start with, so whoever is interested in joining my sub-comm can also contact me. Basically what you have to do is to meet with me once in a while when needed to brainstorm for ideas, help me to contact the bands and arrange to audition them, and help me with some of the technical work i.e. setting up of equipment and moving stuff around etc.

Anyway I had this conversation with an old friend yesterday - on the topic of "you are so pretty and cute, and surely you have a lot of guys chasing after you, knocking on your door and etc?"

me: well isn't that the case?
her: no! lol. I have 0 guys chasing me
me: aiya, maybe they all assume u are untouchable, all don't dare to chase
me: so you should be more friendly
her: HAH! U MEAN I FIERCE AH! NOOO!
her: then what can i do to change the misconception
me: well, you can act more demure, don't appear so fierce.
her: like what, "hi welyon ,... aiyo... i drop my thing on the floor.. then i scared to pick it up... cuz i wearing mini skirt... aiyo..."
me: ...
her: demure supposed to be quiet and gentle right!
me: that's not demure lah, thats so "..."
her: har then i cannot be myself, I am loud and i make a lot of noise
me: just dun be to fierce lor. Make noise but dun chase people away
her: harrr, i so scary ah... no wonder all the guys run away!
me: I wouldn't know lol.

etc etc etc etc/

her: aiya, must learn to be confident! you must tell urself every morning u are handsom and will get all the gers.
me: HA! Then people think i buay pai seh, seow liao, how?
her: DUN SAY TO OTHERS LA! SAY TO YOURSELF IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR!
me: haaa, really ah.. but my room no mirror.
her: ....
me: ok wait i on webcam.
her: EH! WAIT WAIT! I STILL IN PANTIES! OMG!
me: -.-
me: I DON'T MEAN TO SHOW U LAH! OMG!

HAHA! +D

emo moment

Voiceless Screaming - X Japan

I'm drowning in sadness
Falling far behind
I feel there is just no way out
Is there anyone there? Where am I?

Insanity and loneliness
Tear my painful heart
Broken heart keeps on going to beat
But it never stops bleeding

I've been waiting for love to come
Someone who wants to touch me inside
Memories of my yesterdays

Careless words and deeds
Masquerade of love
Gotta find my way outta here

I was blinded be dark desire
Over time I've been through it all
I'm crying my share of tears

What can I do
Will I make it through
I must be true to myself

Voiceless Screaming
Calling to me inside of my heart
Voiceless Screaming
Now is the time I got to speak out

Voice of faith, I'm starting to realize
Now my eyes can see
I have gone so far
I'm feeling breath of life

And I'm looking for love to reach
Someone I want to touch deep inside
Light shines on my sight of doubt
Don't be afraid
Move forward one step
Willing mind is what I have found at last

Voiceless Screaming
Calling to me inside of my heart
Voiceless Screaming
Now is the time I got to speak out

Voiceless Screaming
Calling to me inside of my heart
Knockin' on my soul's door
I belive in myself and trust what I do

Voiceless Screaming
Pain of the past still hurts me inside
Knockin' on my soul's door
I climb the stairs that lead me to Heaven

I almost forgot how beautiful this song is... would really love to pull it off, but I need a powerful vox (which I am not) and another guitarist who can play it... the main problem with this song is most guitarists (not including me) aren't very good with barre chords, which this song really needs in abundance because it's not as nice if the strings are not allowed to ring. Plus, I also need a REAL acoustic guitar! My ovation imitation is too soft and shallow for this song to sound beautiful...

And not to say, I suppose many people can identify with this song...

Suddenly I'm like quite hardworking. Hardworking = taking time out to study out of my mandatory rest days - went with Pear to 'mug' on Friday, more like to catch up on the accounting stuffs I missed cause I couldn't take the subject in time, and today went with Melv to just err.. do some readings. Both days I brought laptop, and half the time I was playing FM.

But wells, the first issue of TIME arrived like yesterday, and I've finished reading the whole issue like today. *claps* So I guess it's not that wasted after all, haha.

A bit more about our stuff today - went to Orchid Country Club to "recee" the venue. To be honest I didn't know anything about what was going on, I'm just the guitarist. So when he said "wear formal" it didn't quite make sense because wasn't he the person hiring the services of the country club and not the other way round? Anyway me and the drummer ended up stoning, playing the classical guitar while they discussed "business". And the smoke really kills me. Anyway, it's a pretty cool place to have like our first official paid gig, haha. Like a very long and wide ballroom, with the stage going to be extended into 3 prongs - much like the X Japan stage? 1 guitarist (me) hogging one and the other probably sharing the other with the bassist. Pretty cool, though it means I'd have to invest in a wireless system sooner rather than later. And so I suppose I'm quite looking forward to jamming again and then to the gig, which is like in November.

School has been getting better I guess, after a while of getting used to the pace. It's not exactly breakneck, but it's not leisurely either... and not staying in hall really pisses me off at times because I have to wait like long periods in others' rooms, sometimes alone. That really sucks, plus the daily tussle for buses during rush hour, and never being able to get seats on the train ride to Boon Lay. Of course my parents still say "don't worry, just get used to it" but they don't take the train at rush hour to Boon Lay and back everyday do they? And I recently discovered my dear sisters who "coped well enough" actually could do so cause they cabbed to school like nearly EVERYDAY? And not staying in hall makes me feel distant from my friends - when I go back home I go back to this empty shell of a room, so transparent and reclusive at the same time. Its like, whatever I do inside you can hear outside, but there's nobody outside cause everyone just does what they want/need/feel like doing. The stupid furniture is really getting on my nerves, my stuff gets missing, fucking ants crawl everywhere where I put my coffee/food/fruits... Friggin reference books are like finding their own permanent corner in my little cubicle. My multi FX and pedals are like eating batteries as though they were MacFries... I don't want to sound like a spoilt bastard - which on reflection I am not. But I have nothing to look forward to when I'm home - other than my guitars and some computer games.

This week has been quite 'happening' in the wrong sense... In a way I feel that what she's doing is wrong - I mean she should have known right from the start that this would happen some day, I did in fact remember telling her. In a way I guess I feel bad for everyone, because they are like causing each other undue misery by all refusing to change their viewpoints. In a way I hate this situation cause I'm caught in the quandary. What do you do when you are expected to be non-neutral?

Thanks to everyone who wished me well, Thanks Ben, Edwin and Eden for the Kbox and the pool session! (Yeah who say 4 guys can't Kbox lol) Thanks krist (miss terror!) Xuemin and Nabing for the sandals! =D) Thanks Jin for your guitar cleaning cloth! (Yeap though we are quite different I must admit you are darn nice guy!) Thanks Fly and Melv for the earphones! (It's still unopened but hell, it looks good =D) Thanks everyone else for the cake. My parents gave me an ang-pow but I really don't blame them for not doing anything more considering what happened. And thanks to everyone else who forgotten but will wish me after reading this post. Yeap, I suppose August is usually the time period when I'd feel a lot better about who I am.

Though this year is an exception... We totally like forgot to eat the cake (me and another OG mate share the same birthday so we were supposed to share the cake but it's still in Melv's fridge) and I only ate the small cake my mum got me like today morning. And the fact that some machine malfunction made POSB block my ATM card for three days didn't exactly help. Some very weird thoughts crossed my mind, and I find myself doing what I used to do - wasting my time in wait for the dumbest things. On one hand I tell myself friendship is the most important thing. On one hand... oh well.

The situation doesn't look like it's ever going to be solved, is it? I just want to like step out check into some resort and sleep. Like be a reclusive loner for a while and forget everything that is unhappy about this month. But my bank balance is too unhealthy for that, so *dang*. Maybe I'll do what I did last year - buy myself a new guitar. Last year was that cheapo acoustic Ovation imitation, maybe next month I'll get a Fernandes Strat =D. Deciding between a Fernandes Strat - to carry around and bang around and not feel too sad since it's only $300 and very solid - or a new amp, like an Ibanez or a Marshall mini stack. Somehow I am happiest when I buy myself presents!

I'm really still 19, makes me one of the youngest around. In fact in most of my social circles I am the youngest indeed... But I feel quite old already, and quite weary at times...

Ok a long time ago I decided this should be a *happy* blog so I shall stop where I am now.

And gosh, Kasper Schmeichel is pretty rigged... And the hottest thing in Manchester is light blue.

don't cry, please

Talk to me softly
There is something in your eyes
Don't hang your head in sorrow
And please don't cry
I know how you feel inside I've
I've been there before
Somethin is changin' inside you
And don't you know


Don't you cry tonight
I still love you baby
Don't you cry tonight
Don't you cry tonight
There's a heaven above you baby
And don't you cry tonight


Give me a whisper
And give me a sign
Give me a kiss before you
tell me goodbye
Don't you take it so hard now
And please don't take it so bad
I'll still be thinkin' of you
And the times we had...baby


And don't you cry tonight
Don't you cry tonight
Don't you cry tonight
There's a heaven above you baby
And don't you cry tonight


And please remember that I never lied
And please remember
how I felt inside now honey
You gotta make it your own way
But you'll be alright now sugar
You'll feel better tomorrow
Come the morning light now baby


And don't you cry tonight
And don't you cry tonight
And don't you cry tonight
There's a heaven above you baby
And don't you cry
Don't you ever cry
Don't you cry tonight
Baby maybe someday
Don't you cry
Don't you ever cry
Don't you cry
Tonight

tired

I realised I've been surviving on coffee and overdose of caffeine in my first real uni week. It's so tiring! I mean having a screwed up bio clock that makes me sleep only like 2/3 hours a day, then having to travel all the way to Boon Lay and then sit through like 2 hour lectures and taking notes religiously. No coffee means I become some sort of clam with an evil stare and the "ihateeveryonearoundme" look and menacing intent. Got coffee means my tongue starts loosening up, and I go a bit nuts. I think.

Live music society's first day was quite disappointing. Okay, I'm going to complain and bitch and diss off people, I'm so sorry. First off I think the seniors are really amazing and all respect for them - the only thing linking them together to form this CCA is the fact that they have an NTU band. Other than that they could have refused to enter the CCA as pioneer seniors and everything. The concept itself is pretty cool, gather all musicians together then hope they click and form a good NTU band. Though therein lies my grouses. Okay, the Chinamen band was pretty awesome, musically. After all the guitarist played GnR's Don't Cry note for note without any mistakes. But therein lies the problem, they are Chinamen, and they give the impression that they DOMINATE THE CCA! Like everywhere you see they announce themselves. Now don't be mistaken I'm not blindly anti-Chinamen, after all I do have a couple of friends from the PRC, and they are amongst my good friends as well. But its really the way they portray themselves. Also in the fray were a couple of weird guys... shan't say who, but they really freaked me out. So I left early since I was meeting Melvin for dinner in nearby hall 2. Okay that horrible experience doesn't really put me off the whole idea, I'm still for forming a band in NTU, so maybe I'll scour the forums and hope for the best.

And I think it's the tiredness, but I feel a lot of sudden bursts of angsts and the hate and anger in me. As though I'm turning.to.the.dark.side. Ok that's a bit of an exaggeration, but as of now I'm quite hypersensitive to people's actions, hopefully I'd be fine after a nice little outing with the 38 people later.

Oh, and though most of the readers won't know what I am talking about, my high E-string of my mockingbird snapped, and I took the chance to use deep conditioning fretboard oil on my fingerboard, I was like "woah!". That thing is really rigged - my fingerboard looks like ebony now, although it's rosewood, and it looks newer than new, I'm friggin swearing that it's true. I'm really absolutely sure it's an 8 dollars well spent for Dunlop's fretboard conditioner. Oh and I switched to using Dunlop strings. Still ultra light gauge, not as bendable as a Gibson string but it's a lot more solid, especially with a 1.0mm pick.

And what the fuck is the problem with being a guitarist who can't read musical scores so long as I can play a fucking lot better than you. Just fuck off.