that crossroad im uncomfortable with

It's really been a while since I last updated. No not as rarely as some people I know, which really tempts me with just taking this blog down. Though its only been about two weeks a pretty lot of things have happened... like

A Level Results & Uni Admission - I really had my heart and lungs and intestines in my mouth and I swear a coupleofbutterflies-and-moths in my stomach on my way to school. Going gallivanting with a few jokers, playing arcade and messing around 30 minutes before results were out didn't do much to relieve me of the tension I felt (and I'm sure everyone who studied to some extent did. If you didn't study, chances are your grades are predictable so...). Truth to be told like some people I know, if my name didn't appear on the screen it means I did badly. So I was really relieved when my name appeared on that screen that I just grabbed Lao Lai who was sitting next to me and really just hugged him, haa. Its one of those moments in life where it is really so tense - I mean that 30 minutes when Ms Leong was going through the analysis were the longest I ever felt, truthfully - like only very few distinctions in history and GP, etc - anyway, I'm really relieved. And to a smaller extent quite happy. Some people may scold me with scorn with words like "you did so well already, dun complain" or something similar.

Just that now I'm asking, Did I really do my best? If I really did my best I would have been studying full-time in my two years in AJ instead of wasting my time with other stuff, trying to make a doomed relationship work, playing computer games without purpose and staying late in school for no apparent reason. I would have taken the teachers' advice and read up newspapers and sent in essays every week. I would have consulted my tutors after every lesson. I would have went for tuition in my weakest subjects. I would not have waited until Prelims was over to really go for top gear. If I did the above, maybe I would have done better.

Another point I'd say is that, in the 'A's theres really no such thing as luck - you get what you work for. If you just refuse to study your 'flair' and 'genius' remains unproven, you can go moan and complain all you want about how "some other fucker" managed to score better than you. Just get fucking real, you suck and you didn't work hard enough. Others did; and they deserve their grades more than you do. Just stop complaining cause it is really noisy and irritating to my ears. I really admire those people who put both hands up and admitted that they didn't study hard enough and only had themselves to blame - it takes courage to not point the finger on others for your own failures.

I'm not naming any names but you know who you are. You are fucking disgusting.

I was initially a bit surprised by my results of course, and the school encouraged us to apply for scholarships and all. On that account, I'm really apprehensive. I'll elaborate that later.

Anyways went for NTU and SMU open house with some of the SC people and with my class for the first half of NTU. My appraisal, sadly for SMU wannabes, is that NTU seems to be more solid, and I can be assured that as an NTU grad I really have real, valuable skills when I graduate although I might fall behind in establishing my networking connections and et cetera. On the other hand, SMU seems to me like a dubious university. I mean, throughout the Business School talk the guy kept repeating a) SMU's pedagogical classroom environment and b) SMU's extensive networking, as though all the school teaches is for potential businessmen to just smile and charm their way through with confidence and THEN rely on the NTU and NUS graduates to actually work on the specifics of the business deal. Which struck me that SMU seems to aspire in producing empty easter eggs - colorful and vibrant and attractive, but with nothing inside to back it up.

Sorry, but I don't want to be that kind of person.

On the other hand, NTU simply gives the impression that you will join their production line of business graduates - armed with credible skills and a well-recognized degree, but ultimately you are exactly the same as another NTU graduate. Probably the networking opportunities are lesser, but the lesser of two evils dictate that the person with credible skills could take time to catch up with establishing his/her network of contacts after graduation, no? Rather than graduating with an extensive networks but having nothing inside of you.

Maybe I am wrong, and biased cause of my experience in their open house and word-of-mouth from NTU, NUS and SMU graduates. But I am deciding my future and so I'd believe I have a choice and my own rationales on following them.

I have no qualms against NUS and submitted an application there as well, so ultimately if I don't get into Mass Comm then I'll decide between NTU and NUS Business Faculties.

Work @ HATC - Ok, so I just started my facilitator job at HATC, its a cool 12 bucks an hour but it's not so cool knowing that you have to travel ungodly distances at ungodly hours of the morning and face ungodly piles of paperwork when you get home. I'd say I did pretty well in my first 4 facilitations, cause the guy asked me back for this week and the next week to facilitate and have "greater involvement" as a facilitator. THOUGH I am very very very lag in meeting the deadline for paperwork to be submitted.... I think I missed lots of deadlines already, so they might not be happy with me on that.

And it really provided me with many learning points after just a day or two at work. First I realised how lucky I am to be born who I am and to be able to study in good schools and a good environment to get good grades and all. The first one, a facilitation at Yu Ying Secondary School (some ulu corner of Kovan) for Sec 4 N(A) kids was kind of an eye opener, because of how differently students responded to the trainer than, let's say, Catholic High School. For the two classes I facilitated, there were admittedly a very high proportion of good looking girls =D (but facilitators and trainers are barred from giving contact details to them so... =[ ) and a lot of troubled kids. The troubled kids part can get really disturbing at times, especially those who are ostracized cause they are fat, quiet and even for being studious. The second, third and fourth times for me was at St. Patrick's Secondary, which is at friggin East Coast Road. Again at Sec 4 level, but for different express classes and some N(T) kids. Which brings me to the point on how arrogant the Express kids can get. The N(T) kids paid total attention and written some very disturbing stuff like "I hate myself, my friend is unhappy because of me, I hate myself and I want to kill myself", "I am lousy because I am fat and my parents keep calling me stupid" amongst others. They showed that they were willing to change for the better and paid very careful attention. On the other hand those fucking Express kids just frustrate me by simply not caring, listening to MP3, reading novels, even eating Macdonald's blatantly and making a lot of noise and ostracizing other kids blatantly as though it is the national sport. Those kids were really a torture to watch.

Although the hours are short and the pay is good, it is really more tiring than any student job bar teaching, because for the duration you are facilitating you must appear to be 100% awake and listening at the same time, and taking the trainer's cues as well as watching for student responses and trying to get their names all at the same time. It is really really really tiring. Of course, whenever the trainer needs to cab back to the office I get to hitch a quick taxi ride home, which is one of the perks. Yeah. Maybe I'd try being an associate trainer when I'm in Uni for the extra income, which really really helps.

o2 Finale Performance with Blue Exit - I must say Extasy members should really eat their shoes on what they say of this band. With the exception of the bassist who really sucks to the core (I'll get to that later) the other members are really skilled people who in any rate are more spontaneous and are more open to musical styles than the Extasy guys. Sid is a really great drummer who's professionally trained (at least that's what I overheard, but I saw it in action) Shui Yong sounds really good on a Cort (despite it being made in Indonesia) and Dania is a jack of all trades, can play anything from guitar to drums to vox. Felt inferior some of the times cause they are all so spontaneous while I don't even know my guitar theory well enough. Ok, I'd account that to having learnt how to play guitar on my own for only about 8 months and starting an electric only about 3 months ago, and having my own electric only for 3 weeks. But like I said, they are more spontaneous so it's more fun.

So we jammed, got tricked to school and jammed, and jammed, and performed. Overall I was quite disappointed cause the audience (new and bored J1s) really poured cold water on the whole experience for me. And also the school (nobody to blame in particular although I screamed my head off at my direct SC juniors who were so harried and flustered and kept apologizing it becomes funny =D because it is not really their fault) for not investing in guitar amps and proper sound systems - what's the logic of getting a 100W bass amp without any guitar amps and speakers which are really primitive... and what is so difficult about buying that fussy-but-mediocre school band another drum set, not like they would improve with it anyways, but I mean, really, what's an entry level drum set compared to those white elephants they buy for guitar club called nimbori guitars or something which they are so proud of?

I guess I am really pissed cause the broken sound system really ruined our performance in my opinion. In "Kryptonite" my guitar went on and off, and during the two guitar solos it went off halfway which is damn obvious. Wonderful Tonight sounded great so I'm quite surprised at that one-off difference. Then "Knocking on Heaven's Door" really really really made me blow my top cause my guitar went off during the chorous and I had to send sideway glares towards the AV crew while singing my lines. What I could NOT take was that my guitar went OFF during MY solo. Then during the real full solo, Shui Yong's also went OFF/quiet/loud/off/quiet. You can imagine how bad that sounds. Didn't help that the J1s were all unenthusiastic. Nevertheless, I have to praise the SC people and the OGFs this year for trying their best to hype up the performance, they "over-knocked" the entire J1 cohort despite their much smaller numbers. By most accounts we sounded better than the O1 band, which is no compliment but more of an insult cause they really sounded worse than my first time with Extasy (which sounded bad, ha ha ha) and I heard they were booed off stage. My gawd, can they really not hear themselves or something. Some acccounts said we gave a hell of a performance and people did not notice the broken guitar solos.

But I'm sorry if I seem like an asshole, or a fussy piece of crap cause I want perfection. I may be shui bian in lots of stuff, like what to eat, what to wear, who to hang out with. Something I cannot stand is THE BAND I AM IN SOUNDING BAD! Ok, it's nobody's fault but I have my right to be pissed, no? We were capable of delivering a great performance but bad sound not creditable to us made us sound only decent. When people hear it they don't blame the AVA but they blame the BAND and the guitarist/singer for sounding bad. I didn't buy a $1200 guitar to sound like a second-rate guy in a second-rate band. I didn't slog my heart out trying to learn how to play fast and clean only to be tagged with that dreaded second-rate tag. Maybe people will find it weird how I become really fussy when it comes with the sound coming out from my guitar but I AM FUSSY AND THAT'S THE WAY I AM. Ok the steam's off.

Ah, now to get to the bassist. Fucking arrogant bastard who thinks he sounds good. Throughout the whole week of jamming sessions he proved himself to be the most incompetent bassist I have ever seen. He can sit next to the bass amp and play without hearing notes that went WAY off, bad notes which I heard whilst playing and singing at the same time. And by their accounts the other guys heard it too but chose to shut up about it. So I hinted, "Hey maybe you wanna hold the note a bit longer when you play that part, cause it sounds kinda weird" to which he replied "No leh, I think I sound good what. Aiya no need to follow the tabs or what la, I can improvise on the spot." To which I almost fainted. But I just kept quiet for the whole journey back. Okay, so I hoped he would come good. But remember the most powerful and steady sound on the performance was from that bass amp. So when he delivered the performance full of off notes and wayward tunes, I really really really really CRINGED under my cap. And after that my hearing was confirmed by accounts from people who noticed. So I ask him, how long have you played bass, to which his reply was he doesn't play bass often only practices at home on classical guitar.

Like fuck off la.

They say that bad guitarists go to play bass. So bad bassists should just quit it. That's really all I have to say to a bad bassist with little passion for the instrument and no desire to improve himself. Just fuck off and don't call yourself a bassist.

AB Camp & Delta Experience Student Instructor's bonding camp - My takeaway from this camp was mainly sunburn and a lopsided tan. We (me, See Wai, Sabrina, Tony and Xavier) were there in a very peculiar role of J3s - we were to help to observe the students and to deliver facilitation sessions during their activities in the camp as well as to teach them positive examples of how facilitation is to be done. In a way, it was like being a student instructor to student instructor, but your position is somewhat equal to a supervising teacher though you just graduated three months ago. The campsite was damn ulu, at Dairy Farm Adventure Centre which is in some ulu road in some part of the long stretch of ulu Upper Bukit Timah Road. And we shared the campsite with a curious mix of schools and students, from solemn-faced secondary school kids tired from endless PT and tekan-ing from their instructors to loud and high-pitched primary school kids off on a new adventure with hyperactive kidults of their instructors.

The AJ guys really had a relaxing bonding camp. I remember my ABC "bonding" session to start with a loud barking, an order to rearrange all the reading room tables in 30 seconds and a tekan session that lasted an hour, before the teachers told us that we were not supposed to do what he just did to us -_-. Theirs started with an ultimate frisbee game, activities in an air-conditioned room, high-elements activities in Dairy Farm and no PT at all. It was a bit weird at first because we were out of the loop for near a year since we last facilitated at ABC 2006. But of course, we caught on and delivered facilitations to the young instructors. Ok, we got priveleges as well, the teachers treated us really well and Mr Cheng kept buying food for us. We got cream puffs, which we tempted the hungry campers with throughout the build-up to dinner, slept in an air-conditioned bunk with nice mattresses, on which we played cards and IQ Games (they are really fun) and ordered Macs delivery. In the morning we got Mr Cheng to get us Kopi, Teh and Milo while Mr Cheng bought tao huay, fried carrot cake, curry puffs, "bao" and other stuff for everyone. But of course we did what we were asked to do all along although we were decked out in T shirt shorts and slippers - formal holiday wear. At least, I'd think we delivered facilitations which were less mechanical and routine like what some of the teachers actually did, and we managed to hold on to their attention for a great deal longer, but that's my own observation.

So on the way back we had a say on who should be Chief SI and Deputy etc... Sort of confirmed how the democratic voting process really worked. I mean everyone knows what I am talking about, just remember that it is justified cause ultimately they can't take risks on popular but unproven and unreliable leaders. Really quite funny.

Oh. It's been such a long update, and chances are I won't update for quite a long time. Going back to Indon for a week starting tmr for a visit. Not too bad. If you can catch me with a shopping list before I take the plane I'll feel obliged to get it for you. Otherwise, wells. Hahahaha.

by my side

Blinded by the sun again
My eyes, this glare, its not the same
As this feeling starts to fade
I reach for you now say my name won't you darling?

This earth, this sky, they all seem so strange
How do I start if I can't begin?

You've gone away without a trace
And now I'm lost here again
Left to find my way alone again

You've gone away without a trace
And now I'm lost in the dark
Without you near or by my side

Things that lasts are fantasies
Some dream I made 'bout you and me
Wishing it would be the same
I look at you don't turn away don't you darling...

Your touch, your smile, they now seem so strange
Your heart and mine they don't beat the same

You've gone away without a trace
And now I'm lost here again
Left to find my way alone again

You've gone away without a trace
And now I'm lost in the dark
Without you near or by my side