fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate leads to suffering. Man.. how true.

I am at that stage of my life, where I just need to have ONE thing going for me to bounce back again... It just feels horrid... everything that can go wrong is going wrong...

Like I'm in APTS for the first time ever. And every single teacher is treating me as though I have some kind of disease. Weak student, they say. Trying to help, they say. Like I don't know the worst things in this world are done with the best intentions. Like it helps, nearly a month after I have already tried to stand up and recover teachers call me up telling me that I'm in a horrible predicament. Calling my parents telling them I am in a predicament. Continuously telling me I'm in a mess. Right, thanks. I SO NEEDED PEOPLE TO TELL ME THAT.

Like commending my "efforts" on a GP essay well done and then rubbing it in *so* blatantly that my name is horrificly mis-spelt. Jibe on my injured toe, do you? Fucking asshole. And saying in class that "you don't have to agree with the marks given if you think it's bad". I really don't know what's your problem with me?

I'm losing every single bit of the confidence I once had... I feel lethargic all over... I fear speaking up, starting conversations because I cannot continue them halfway through... I speak with fear in my voice, fear that the one I speak to might stab me in the back... Fear that they are sniggering at my demise behind those fake smiles... Fear that they are talking bad about me behind my back... Fear that I won't recover in time for prelims... Fear that people hate me, loathe me... Fear that every single fucking thing I do is pissing someone off...

And like I said, nothing is going well. Results is one thing. Operation Revolver Pro is at a standstill. I am totally and without a doubt unfit. I can't focus at all... All those stupid thoughts flooding through my head. I'm deluding myself, looking at other people and thinking about strange things. Longing... And somehow I feel people are taking more and more jibes at me. Without even trying to veil their words tipped with venom. I think teachers pick on me... Like it's the new hobby for everyone, to step on me and look down on me in my current pathetic self.

And I still have people who like to remind me of that bitch, that teletubby. Even the teletubby. Miscalculation early in the morning today totally ruined my mood. I DON'T want to see her ever again, much less be associated with her. Rub it in, rub it in some more will ya? At the rate I'd listen to hateful and vengeful tirades blasting over my headphones I'd believe it if I shoved you into a wall and stuck a knife right into your fucking chest.

Tell me... what did I do wrong? Why does every other person, every other force, every other event seem to transpire to make things worse for me? What in the fuck happened to the me I once knew...

I know I used to be very harsh, insensitive, irresponsible, vulgar, temperamental. But I've been trying to change for the better... Trying very hard. Trying to cool off lest I start screaming at others. Try to do my best for everything.

But fate has dealt me a bad hand...
In a deck of 52 cards... how many more cards can I afford to deal before it finally ends for me?
I'm looking for Kings, Queens, and Aces. I want to have the feeling that I am the king of the world, again. I want to have a Queen by my side. I want to ace everything I want to do.

47 days to prelims... I remain cautiously optimistic that I will grow inhuman and harden my heart into a soul of frozen ice. So that I can concentrate on what I should be doing. Or what others want me to be doing. I remain cautiously confident that I will be able to bounce back, results wise.

But there's a trade off, there always is. I don't wanna turn into a machine... please.... I don't want to be unfeeling, I don't want to sacrifice my beliefs for my aims... I don't want anyone to hate me... I don't want to be the topic everyone bitches about for the fun of it , over lunch dinner or as a conversational topic...

I don't want to be abandoned again...

Sometimes, I wish things would go better for me... Just simple things...
Like my parents finally getting into the same wavelength as me in simple conversations over the meal.

Like being able to pass through a lesson in class without my mind meandering to stupid ideas and notions.

Like having you glance at me more often... a nice warm smile would go a long way...

Like not having people take jibes at me for once...

It's all right... I'll be fine really... I can just turn into a reclusive hermit... then nothing in this world would matter to me anymore, and I can finally achieve a dull but peaceful peace with myself...

But if I had a choice....