just to LOVE and FAKE

was attempting to listen to some of my lesser-heard mp3s just now.. found this song, its damn nice.!!! but the problem is, its not exactly by x japan since its not toshi's voice. Whatever limited info i could find its by hide and yoshiki, but other sources say its pata's work. It even appeared on pata's 3rd album. So i suppose its pata, but the voice sounds hide. And it doesnt sound like something yoshiki will compose. hmm... so what is it exactly?

info on this song is SO limited u can't even find lyrics for it. wow. yeap yeap, its a damn nice song though... sad it wasnt publicised haha.

On an MP3 downloading rampage.. so many rock albums in one day. hmm... as usual find it hard to concentrate on a saturday.. esp since so tired from the previous week.

yesterday 22nd SC officially ended. What do I say.. really wasn't looking forward to it but wasn't too sad that it came either.. like to me SC became kind of draggy after idol.. like its just some "duty" i'm obligated to. I mean my life in sc has been enriching no doubt but looking back i was more sad than happy during my time there. Guess such things sting so bad they tarnish memories which deserve our recognition...

anw, people were complaining to me abt how little they had to write for the writeup... hmm.. i filled up all available boxes except initiative.. and all busted the word limit. Guess thats the good part about being in SC haha. And yea, when i received the nice glass frame from the teachers which had the logos of our key events there.. wells. The events were ab camp orientation mickey mouse farewell AJ idol and livewire ... I was in adhoc for orientation and AJ idol, and GI in AB Camp and for livewire helped them with a few productions including the idol one. Bad memories there... but nvm. In fact, its not the 22nd SC production team, its really a one-man show--> me. so the productions with that inside are made by me. yea. And the artwork and design for orientation, ab camp, idol were all my work too. Hmm... did many stuffs i guess.. learned alot, as the rest did. But i guess at the end of the day i'm someone who hates to be restricted by the demands and expectations as others.

very glad that i wun have to wear the badge anymore, monday will feel much lighter, spring in the step and so on.. anyways.. people have been so occupied with As that they lose track of what life actually is. I'm barely keeping track of what was supposed to be my life. If i were in Indonesia i'd probably be in uni and working now, not studying for some weird complex number test. And probably in a few years time i'd be having my own business and getting married and settling down in my peaceful hometown (indonesia is peaceful ok. the press just got nothing to write).

Do i regret coming here? Part of me says yes.. I mean ive been unhappy most times im here, to tell the truth. But can i regret? It's not my regret to make, I was here since I was so young I wasn't the one who made the decision. So do i blame my parents? I mean yea. Sometimes I do, they see things so easily like black is black and is different from white anything that is black cannot be white etc.

So to them stress comes only from failing a test. Failing tests is only a result of not studying and playing all day. Dyed hair means you're a hooligan. Coming home late means you're fooling around outside. Working long hours on something which they don't see as beneficial is a bloody waste of time. I mean.. If you want me to live the life you led, why the fuck bring me here in the first place? It's my bloody life ok. I really regret coming to JC, if i had a choice i would happily go poly. Again, it's not really my decision. My parents raised damned hoo-haa when i chose to come to AJ. Then, engaging in a relationship is taboo until you're 21 or have them matchmake you. Heck, i even suspect they intend to do that all along. I got this niggling suspicion that they fucking have my life planned out in front for me. Figures why i like rock music, and heavy metal and etc. I want to break away from the normal. I'm now a rebel! Yea. That sounds really great. I wanna be in a rock band, then I can get punched on stage without anyone caring. Then I can take 1000 dollar guitar and smash it on the floor without feeling anything. Then I can blast all that music i want without any other fucker complaining. I can do any fucking thing in the world and the world just shakes their head in disapproval and parents ban their kids from listening to me. whee what a life. seems so appealing compared to the slime im stuck in

like wad happened in sec 3 and 4. I was oblivious why that group of people hated me so much, ostracised me and so on.. until well i learnt about nationalism this year (dun laugh, got relevance one) there's really nothing wrong with me, I'm just something they're not. And identity can come from being aware that they as a group are NOT something that I am. So to make themselves feel better they gang up and ostracise me to feel better among themselves. Right. So can i blame them? No, i can't, cause admittedly i do that sometimes too. Now that i think about it i become very guilty.

So what's the difference between adolescence and adulthood? Is it a mere age number? those who act like they're mature already will say its the ability to have your own viewpoint. A child's viewpoint is still his own. Or is adulthood being able to see past the superficial differences and embrace people, embrace life the best way it should be? Without restrictions or bias of any sort.

But that means every other individual in this world is still stuck in adolescence, isn't it? I mean if my parents are such racists, my sisters are such racists, every fucking person is racist to some extent. Every other person have their own definition of undesirables, don't they? We preach compassion but when we see someone begging on the streets who actually even sympathises with them? Who would dump their own consciousness of remaining a "reputable" person to hug the poor man and give him food and shelter?

So to explain for this the so-called "adults" give a theory of not feeding the man but telling the man how to look for food. And viola, "adults" feel much better with their conscience.

Why am I rambling about all this? After all, I'm like all of them, still in adolescence ain't i? Like them, I do have feelings of disdain towards some certain others don't I? That's what I'm talking about, I'm falling towards my own definitions of a kid. Maybe I'm asking too much of the human race. It's already great enough an achievement that we're probably the most adaptible creatures and thinking ones, but to get all of them to think on the same pattern, that would negate all our positives and make us lesser than the stray dog, isn't it? Thats when our actions and thoughts will become so predictable, when people don't draw relations between what you do and other things which get implicated by what you do.

sorry if this post is disorganised, that's the real condition of my thoughts now. Just pasting everything that appears on this brain of mine.

so council has ended, and I keep hearing people feeling sad over its end. I, too feel some degree of melancholy, seeing them still so enthusiastic and bustling with optimism, that's what I was this time last year. I feel melancholic that in time, some of them will feel the way i do. I think about it, and conclude somewhere in this world, there is another exact clone of me, who is facing such a difficult battle in life at such a young age. I feel melancholic about the friendships forged and broken, and amaze at how we are so affected by what others do.

Like for example, during a simple test, some people are so blinded by their goals that they ignore others' pleas for help. I asked person in front of me for some full-scape paper and got ignored. Is it me, or do people simply don't care?

by the way, i realise i'm so savvy with media and the web in general that stupid passwords really don;t work on me anymore. sorry, i'm only human i'm curious too. Curious about what otehrs think of me. I mean, how long do you intend to keep it from me? I'd hate you much more than I do now if I had to sign in and see your face next to his, see him kissing you, etc. You think I won't hate you then? I don't hate you as much for ditching me or anything, I hate you so much more for the manner in which you did it. Friendship, eh? Farmhood, eh? What kind of shit do you talk about if all you do is assume everyone else in the world lives for you? I'm not that much of an idot, i dun look like it but i track every single piece of traffic that comes here. So i know you'll read this and i dun pretty much care what you're gonna do or think. I just want to get it off my chest, these words of hate and thoughts of despair. Those cloud my mind, and it affects the way i see my life. Those affect my perceptions of things. So many things around me bear hurtful memories of what you'd done. What we'd done. And what we could have done. But every and each of those fucking things also remind me how i was kept in cold storage for the better of half a year while you pursue your own agenda. Of how you can be the meanest and unfeeling creature in the world. How i was deceived into thinking dreams do come true.

Get this.

if they come true they're not dreams.

too bad for me, then, too bad for me. I'm now reduced to being someone who laments and moans about the past. I'm sorry, i tried to hide all this, but the more i do the more i find myself in misery. Guys need to appear strong, thats the stereotype, much more if you're 1.8m and bulky. Best friend, sorry if it seems i wasn't paying much attention to the convo.. there were some nerves you touched which really disturbed me. So what's the next best ting if i can't cry? BLAST OTHERS ABOUT IT, WHAT ELSE?

the sooner i get it off my chest the sooner i can finally get on with life.

anyways, my mum is due back in SG today and she messaged me just now. How sweet haha. Asked me which country's jacket i want. well i have lotsa jackets already so i just said italy. Or was it argentina? Not sure i got very poor short term memory (contradictory since I sometimes think i got good memory). But i really dun nid a jacket. If there's someting i want, its this:



hide-model MG75C
Price (approx): SGD 1200 (excl shipping)





its one DAMN FUCKING BEAUTY of a guitar!!!! dun u agree? wow... really want smth like this. But realistically, my target is a fernandes revolver pro, which is cheaper (about SGD 900 and can buy locally) and is much better than this white one. uglier though, but it has double humbuckler and sustainer, an effect which would be damn kewl. Which doesnt classify it as a starter guitar but i dun really care. I'm new to electric but not that new to classical, and surely i'd learn it in a bit, after As.

got an offer from apek. thanks, that's really a compliment, but i'd hate to disappoint, so we shall wait and see.